A pasty vampire, a sissy werewolf, a mediocre chick who is seriously given way too much bhaav and miscellaneous people to fill up the sets, defend Bella, get killed/eaten up/sucked dry/smashed in the melee and/or crack oh-so-smarty-pants one liners (Read : Bella’s dad).
HERE IT GOES:
Against a backdrop of a very rainy, damp and moist place called ‘Forks’ we have a really messed up love triangle. Basically, everyone loves everyone.
Bella is the new kid on the block. Understated, not wanting to attract attention, beautiful yet unaware of it *gags*. She sees Vampire dude and his enigmatic family. Pale with hazel/onyx eyes (depending on how hungry? Thirsty? one is…) and perfect chiselled faces/bodies/cars and so on and so forth…(Read : Too much of layered make up that increases as the sequels follow). The Cullen man and the Swan chick notice each other. DA-DA-…yeah yeah whatevs.
Edward: Dude! That chick…. Been going on a 100 years with no women in my life. I better get hold of this one or I might just turn into a man’s man. Or vampire. Whatever…
So they begin the cat and mouse game of both of them chasing themselves, each other and generally driving everyone nuts. They end up falling in love (What a shock…NOT!) Or at least she falls in love with him and he…well…I mean how on earth can he have gone a century and not found anyone!?! Bells tinkle, pianos play, breeze blows and so on and so forth. Time passes and she gets so clingy that the only time he can get away to his love nest is on hunts. Frustration sets in until a baseball match seems to be the solution to his problem. Three evil vampires with eyes like rubies step in and want to suck Bella dry. Fair enough, considering they are vampires and she’s human and that’s how the food chain works. There’s tons of confusion with everyone running around and trying to get out of the way, although it seems like a rescue mission and Edward ends up next to Bella, in the car, taking her onto the road to freedom.
Edward: Oh hell! Did I run the wrong way?
The rest of the series disintegrates into a hopeless chase for the human girl by all the vampires who seem to be a part of ‘Let’s Suck her Dry Club’…of blood DUH!…founded by the Vultures or some such… Anywho, since the audiences got fed up with watching ‘The Pale Ones’ (did I mention too much make up?) and the satisfaction was visibly falling all over the world…..VOILA!!! Enter the werewolves, conveniently when the vampires are away due to unforeseen circumstances.
Too hot to be true. 8 packs, awesome tattoos and the apparent but not unappreciated lack of clothes brought a smile (and a distinctive moan) on the lips of the (hopefully only) female audiences. But alas! As fate may have it, the werewolf falls for the vampire’s woman who has, of course, fallen for the vampire. The rest of the werewolves join the ‘Let’s Crush Bella’s Skull’ club…but cover up their tactics by pretending to be her protectors. Story moves on sluggishly to attempts of murder, rape and finally! A wedding.
Bella weds Edward, much to the werewolf’s dismay and the audience’s relief at a move on in the tale and soon becomes impregnated with his 100 year old sperms. Even those have now gotten arthritis and use walking sticks to lamely hobble upto the….the…well to begin fertilization and…create the baby *finishes lamely*. All this while, the wolf has now joined the ‘Hands Up for the Downfallen’ club thanks to some serious lack of options.
Edward: Goddamnit! A 100 years and THIS is the woman I end up getting hitched to.
Wolf: ArOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! *sob*
Enter: Baby. Half human, half vampire, who is imprinted upon by the now-nearly-dead-due-to-frustration wolf and he finally gets a life and promise of some action (though it may be after 18 years, but what the hell!) and everybody lives happily ever after, of course after destroying the original-trying-very-hard-to-be-enigmatic vampires again…because…who really cares. SOMEONE died and it wasn’t me. Vampire decides he may as well keep the woman and the audiences get to go home and wonder what they ever did to deserve this.
**THE END** <sigh of relief and tears of joy>