Ding…the bloody hell…Dong

We all know doorbells. They’re the innocent little Ding-Dongers that herald the approach of a visitor. They are sweet little moment killers that will go off at the EXACT moment you are thanking God no one has visited you. My doorbell is the spawn of the devil. It is like the Evil of Eye of Sauron. It knows what I am doing. It can see me. And it will ring at the EXACT moment I am indisposed to open the door.
Take for example, last Sunday. The husband was out doing busy work. The chores were all done. I was home alone, finishing off some work on the laptop. Which basically translates to ‘I was watching hilarious videos on youtube and wasting time’. I was also being a slob. My brand new haircut was up in a messy bun, I was all sweaty, munching on some comfort food and totally not doing the work I had a major deadline on. Suddenly, DING DONG! Dammit! I stalked off to see who it was. No one. Now, before think this is turning into a ghost story, it’s not. We have two switches for the doorbell in our house and it just meant that someone was at the gate and had rung it. I went and hung myself limply off the balcony railing and tried to figure who the culprit was. It was the cooker repair guy. ‘GO AWAY’, I yelled in my mind. ‘LET ME GO BACK AND STEW BY MYSELF’. Depressed at being disturbed, I went back and flopped in bed.
DING-A-LING-DONG! I jerked up from mulling over how I was sure Germany would win the finals. Dammit! Drifting sulkily to the door, I peeked out. All I saw was a dark shapeless mass hovering around my field of vision. Oh wow! Shudder, right? No. I told you this is not a ghost story. I opened the door slowly. Turned out to be the dhobi’s little girl returning the ironed laundry. I sighed and decided only sleep could cure me from the 3rd degree that this doorbell was inflicting on me. I zzzz-ed for a bit only to be DING DONG-ed awake.
It wasn’t true. It couldn’t happen. How could a little musical machine know that I WAS NOT AVAILABLE. Wrong. DING (an innocent) DONG. GRR! It was the dhobi’s little kid again. A chirpy, bubbly being of energy and smiles asking for cold water. I couldn’t be upset for long but my hectic schedule of doing nothing had been disturbed and I wasn’t happy. I frowned at the doorbell. I said some mean things and they were meant to hurt.
A little later in the day, I decided to stop doing nothing and go get clean. Soon as my behind had made contact with the ‘throne’ DING (Mother of God! WHAT!) DONG. How on earth am I supposed to open the door now? How do I sashay be clearly-cannot-be-disturbed self to the door to entertain whoever was hanging off that awful contraption that heralded their presence? I HATE that doorbell. I hate it. I could hear it sniggering at me. What was supposed to be a pleasurable deed leading to nirvana now turned into a race against time. I didn’t want the visitor to go away. I especially didn’t want them to ring the bell again. I somehow managed to beat the devil’s spawn that is my doorbell and hung dejectedly off my balcony railing again. A voice floats up to me ‘Sorry madam! Wrong house!’ AAAAAARRRRRGH! I banged the doorbell hard. It DING DONG-ed at me. I got into the shower and cried.
A couple of minutes later, the running water calmed me. I felt better. Good even. A song started coming to my lips. ‘Rise UP! No falling down again!’ I did a little jig. A monkey dance if you must. Looked into the mirror and imagined myself with flat abs. Reached for the shampoo and lathered up. Pretended to be Santa. Bill Clinton. The Abominable Snowman. I had suitably worked myself up into hysterics when….DING (*unparliamentary language*) DONG. Soap in my eyes. The body drenched to God’s glory and the towel nowhere in sight. I couldn’t believe it. I was sure I had been a horrible person in my last birth. Perhaps a killer or a politician. Perhaps I had taken candy from children and made them cry. I don’t know what I had done but it was something awful to have deserved this. DING (coming!!!!!) DONG…I tiptoed out. Saw the sneaky bastard of a towel hanging off the bed having the time of it’s life. Wrapped it around myself and discovered the husband outside. Opened the door a crack and let him in. ‘COULDN’T YOU WAIT!!??!!’ ‘COULDN’T YOU HURRY AND OPEN UP!!??!!’ And that’s how the fight started……. 😦

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