Hai Ram(Leela)!

Goliyon ki Raas Leela – Ram Leela or as I like to call it…Ram Leela  : A movie where bullets rain on all and sundry, yet kill no one. Ok. I lied. ONE person dies and the bullet was as surprised as the dead guy.

This movie is an ideal example of how a variety of good ingredients don’t necessarily make a good dish. The cast is good. The costumes phenomenal, the music stunning and the sets exquisite. Yet it is all put together to form a crapfest of epic proportions.

See I’d say it’s a bad movie, but then that would be an insult to bad movies. I mean bad movies have a standard. They have a certain class. They wilfully deviate from the story they should have followed and disintegrate into a mess that may have some modicum of sense hidden, albeit deeply. Their characters deliberately choose to ignore what is desirable to the audience and move into the murky backwaters of nonsense that should never see the light of day. This movie is something else though. It’s in a league of its own. I believe this was horrible, horrible payback for some bad karma I had been stocking up on.

The story revolves around two families who have more unresolved issues than India and Pakistan. The village/town/art museum (it’s unclear where they stay) is hence, divided and like the good citizens that they are, the people of these two parts hate each other too. Sanskaari kids pee on each other, people try killing each others’ customers and end up killing empty beer bottles, they chase each other through the streets with guns that don’t really do anything except make loud bangs. The usual shiz.

HOWEVER! *Dramatic pause for dramatic music – DHAN DHAN DHAN* *Enter lead actors*

A holi like none I have ever seen. Deepika runs around a lavish melee of pillars, steps and carved walls. Random people run after her to put some colour and lo behold! She bumps into *DHAN DHAN DHAN* Ranvir Singh pointing a gun at her head. Like every ordinary citizen, she takes out her gun and points it at HIS head. While the two bond over a water pistol (yes, he was just being cute) and a very real pistol (surprisingly, it’s hers not his 😉 ), people in shades of pink bounce In slow motion to add a dramatic background.

Again, like any normal first time meeting of people whose families are at each others’ throats, they kiss. In a very not-Romeo-Juliet blah-di-blah, they chase each other through streets that they are not supposed to really be in, even including an awful song and dance sequence in Ranvir’s, wait for it, Adult. Movie. Shop. Yes. Yes. YES. You heard (or read) right. Lady love and lad love meet each other (akele akele) for the first time in his shop-for-nasties and do ‘I Love You’ ‘I Love You’ to each other. For shame!

Story moves on to where the director realises he was trying to adapt from an actual classic so he gets the protagonists to run away to a conveniently located nearby town so that the family hoodlums can find them and add some drama to an otherwise ‘ho-hum’ tale of love. Deepika decides she’s too pious to share an overnight room with a man, whom she almost killed and then kissed a couple of seconds after she met him for the first time. But boo! Details are for nerds. So they get married. Which means he puts ‘chutki bhar sindoor’, claims her to be his and is just about to begin the much awaited wedding nooky when he is rudely interrupted by his best buds who have discovered them and want to take him off for a spot of beer. So what does a man, who is practically running on hormones and is seconds away from getting the lay of his life, do? Of course not his spanking (pun not intended) new wife. He goes for the free beer re! What does woman of aforementioned man do? Settle in for some dutiful waiting with a pious smile, of course! Gone is the pistol and jungley billi ways. He is pati parmeshwar now. Fo shiz!

Life being as it is, it’s all an evil ploy and she is unceremoniously dragged back home. He is welcomed back like a hero for disgracing the daughter of the devil (as they call the leader of the enemy half of the state). So much for women equality. What follows is a series of blink-and-you-miss-it twists and turns that happen within the time span of one song and suddenly they are both the heads of their own families with all the powers, to harmoniously end all fights, in their hands. They are summoned by the panchayat to sort out all disputes and fix the 5 century old conflict between the families. On this sober and serious platform, both throw a hissy fit (each), wash all their dirty laundry in public, divide the businesses, click a picture for Ranvir’s twitter profile (I am NOT kidding here) and part ways all full of tears, thudding hearts and heartfelt sighs. The panchayat revel in their impotency and go back home.

A faithful (but evil…*DHAN DHAN DHAN*) servant who believes he deserves to be in place of Deepika, as the head of the family decides he’s had enough and devises a diabolical, wicked and complex plan to destroy EVERYTHING. Basically, he gets an eviction order for Ranvir’s family signed by Deepika, all the while praying she is too busy to read what she signs. Which she is. *Whew! Or this crapfest would have never ended*

Soooo a war of epic proportions begins. Everyone unimportant dies. Also, boy dies. Girl dies. Survivors merge families since there’s a major population crisis and lack of ‘opportunities’. Hence, the ending is sad but happy…

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